I really get why I have to create a separate question for you to answer but that's okay. As I mentioned, my ex she seems

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Customer: Dear Ulysses,I really get why I have to create a separate question for you to answer but that's okay. As I mentioned, my ex she seems to spend all her time with the drag queen and doesn't take spend much time with my son outside of his basic care. It's like she's devoted her free time to the drag queen almost exclusively and will only spend time with my son outside of basic care when the drag queen isn't around. The drag queen comes first even if they are doing mundane stuff like dinner and watching TV over spending time with my son. That isn't healthy for him and so if I can get more access as you said, I can have an impact on that but she should be spending more time with him in general also. Can you suggest anything on this?
Answered by Ulysses101 in 7 mins 2 years ago
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Customer
I don't really get why I had to ask this separately I mean. It's fine though.
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Ulysses101, Expert

The site's rules are that separate threads should be used for separate questions and issues. If you want to be generous, assume it's so that you have access to more experts and more varied opinions, and that each discussion is a separate event to be concluded and rated. If you're cynical, it's to create more traffic and more revenue for the site. Whichever you prefer. I'll deal with your other question about the matrimonial home first, and get to this one later today.

They actually are very separate issues, as you'll see when we get into them more.

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Ulysses101, Expert

OK, that's a good question. I have a couple of questions for you first, though.

How old is your son? Is he complaining about the drag queen?

If so, is he complaining about the guy being a drag queen? Or just complaining about the guy and how mom spends most of her time with him?

And I understand why you call him "the drag queen" but I need to know if part of your objection to this guy is that he's a drag queen.

Customer
My son is 10 years old. He just complains that his mother seems to be more interested in the drag queen then him. I've told her this but she thinks that I'm making too much out of it. I'm not thrilled that this guy is a drag queen but that's not a major problem unless I hear that my son is getting exposed to any unhealthy situations. I have not heard of anything that would cause me too much concern though.
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Ulysses101, Expert

OK, so 10 is about the age where the child's views and preferences start to carry some weight with court. So this could be useful to you if this winds up in front of a judge. If it does, then you ask the court to refer the case to the Office of the Children's Lawyer, so that you son might get his own lawyer to advocate for what he wants, or a social worker to do interviews and look records and write a report to the court.

For now, if the child has told mom how he feels then that's great. If he hasn't then perhaps he will if you urge him to. If he doesn't yet want to tell his mother that he isn't happy with things as they are, and he might not because he doesn't want to disappoint her or he's scared of a reprisal, then there's little point in you telling your ex because she is unlikely to believe you.

If the child has a trusted coach, or teacher, or school counsellor, or youth pastor, or someone like that in his life, then encourage your son to talk to that person too, who might be able to talk to the mother too or do an affidavit for court if necessary.

If the child feels rejected by mom in favour of the new boyfriend, perhaps your son will say he'd rather live with you. However, the child's views and preferences are a piece of good evidence and not always determinative of the issue. Don't assume it's a slam dunk.

Also keep in mind that your son might be trying to please you by complaining about the new boyfriend. Children lie to their parents and tell them things that they want to hear. This is why you need this evidence from a third party rather than from you alone.

You could also encourage the boy to keep a diary or a journal to write about his feelings. That's not only therapeutic but is also good evidence if this goes to court. And remember the trick earlier about saying to the mother that she should take the child to counselling? That works on the access issue too.

I hope that this is a good start on the topic. Anything else specifically on this subject?

If not, may I please have a service rating for this thread? It'll stay open for a bit if you want to talk about it further.

Customer
Thanks very much. This is helpful.
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Ulysses101, Expert

Thanks for the rating. Glad to help.

Ulysses

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